Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Question

More and More strange things going on so I am going to start at the beginning, Sunday and recap until last night.

1. Sunday I went to H's cousin's grad party. All of the extended family acted like they didn't know anything. They acted as if everything was normal and H and I were still together.

2. Tuesday night H freaks out because I am "pushing him away".

3. Yesterday...H had a cross country meet for his team of 4th and 5th graders. I have always been a supportive wife so I got S ready and we went to it. Now we missed most of the race because it took a while to get there after work and they get out 30 minutes before I do, but we made it. H was so happy to see us. Here is the strange thing. All of the teachers came up and talked to me like H and I are together. I was introduced to some parents by some of the teachers as H's wife (which I am, but strange). Then I hear from parents and teachers how H is such an awesome teacher, how it is so nice of me to let him stay late to coach, and on and on. It was extremely awkward for me and strange because we haven't been together for a year! Then H's mentor teacher started talking to me about what H, S and I were planning for this summer. This summer?!?!? We aren't together! Doesn't anyone at his work know that he moved out a year ago and hasn't moved back since because one of their ex-coworkers is continuing an EA probably PA with my H. The mentor knows what happened last year so it is surprising that she asked about our plans this summer. All very strange.

4. H, S and I went to McDonald's after the race becuase it was al ittle late for me to go home and make dinner and S wanted to spend time with H. H talked about how he wants to join a gym (one of his uncles on sunday commented on how much weight he had gained, like 30 pounds). He talked about running or biking, but still no talk about how he is going to fix things with us or finding an apartment or anything. Then when he leaves he cried because he was so glad that I showed up to support him.

5. I text H later at night because I got a good deal on the dress I had been talking about. It was 70% off and I had a coupon so instead of getting it for $30 like I thought, I got it for $20 and it was $100 originally. I also said how I am going to buy myself a movie becuase there is one i want and it is 50% off. I said how good things come to those who wait. H said he wished he would wait sometimes. Then started talking about how it was good I was buying some DVD's that I like because he learned in therapy how he never took my thoughts when buying stuff. He would buy DVD's and video games like no body's business without consulting me and then threw a fit when I bought myself two $40 shirts for my birthday. He said he was sorry for wasting all of our money on stuff for him and not thinking of me or sometimes buying what I wanted. IT was selfish of him. All his words. I said that I agreed and it was ok because I didn't mind when we would watch them together, but they aren't things I will watch alone. I looked at the DVD's H left and in a D, I would want him to take all but like 10 of our DVD's and we have probably 60.

MAN!?!?!?! What to think? There are so many ways where it seems like he doesn't want a D, but he also doesn't come home (I can't say he doesn't want to because we haven't had a R talk since March). I don't know what to think.

I am still just going about my business and living my life. This all just makes me think. I am planning on forcing a R talk probably in two weeks because it will then be one week before the end of school and I would like to know where he is at and possibly bring up what I have been seeing and find out his take on things like why no one knows he is not at home or why the newest coworker had no idea he has a son. Strange stuff and much to think about.

Really happy though because lately I am very content with my life and happy with where things are going so now I am on a look out because last time I was like this...the bottom fell out...

Actually, I'm not surprised nobody at work knows about your separation. I haven't told anyone here at my work about it and it's been 1 1/2 years! It's just not something I'm proud of and I feel like a failure (even though it's not all my fault), but it's definitely not something I want to admit to or even talk about. And besides, it's really none of their business. Your H is at fault in your case, so what's he going to say to his co-workers, "yeah, my W and I are separated b/c I rather spend time with OW then my own family", you know? Same too with the family. My family are little gossipers, so everyone in the family knows, but if H's family keeps to themselves more, I wouldn't be surprised if the extended family really didn't know and wasn't just putting on a show.

Regarding the rest of H's actions, I too do believe that he doesn't want to lose you and have a D, but is it b/c of his own selffish reasons to keep you all to himself or is it b/c he truely wants an R with you? It's still hard to say at this point. It's a great step through thru thearpy that he is starting to realize his own selffish, so hopefully there will be some more eye opening epiphanies! There is definitely some reason for hope, but be on the lookout too for a fallout. I really hope this progress continues though! =)

Yes. My STBXW apparently has told next to no one at her job either. A friend of mine knows someone from STBXW's office and that person said nobody knew.

I'm not sure why STBXW hasn't said anything. She is very closed off and probably feels it's no one's business and it might chip away at her image. She's very, very, very into her image.

Unlike Lucky11, just about everyone knows at my job. 1) I've been a mess and needed support and 2) it's a big office and I'm looking for things to do and it's better for people to know I'm available.

The only reason why I figured people at work would know is because he almost lost his job last year due to him and OW actions, I called one of his coworkers about OW, and my mom told a bunch of his coworkers he was living at OW's house. With all of that, you would think at least somebody would know something, and he spends all his time at work, wouldn't somebody wonder why he is always at work and never leaving?

Also I am not thinking he has really changed at all, and as I put at the end of my long post. I am waiting for some type of big thing to get me down again because this is a roller coaster and after every high there will be a low...it is just what will that be?

It's the smallest things. This morning I had to find my retirement stuff to equalize the retirements and that got me down.

Of course, you are putting up with much greater heartache than I am -- OW. I have no proof of one. There may be a guy in this biker group she may be seeing.

Who knows. She didn't look good last night and most of the time I realize that when she's getting drunk in some townie bars with fat drunken bikers it really says more about her than me.

A little perturbed tonight or even a little jealous, but I think it is more annoyed. H text me to see how my day went. Normal stuff, and of course he is at rehab this weekend...how convenient. Anyway he tells me how one of the teachers who he works well with is going to move to his grade so the teacher he doesn't like has to switch grades and then they are going to loop. The teacher he doesn't like should be teaching a lower grade because she stinks, but H just gets whatever he wants. Everyone at his school thinks he is the most awesome person in the world, but they don't know the real him and that annoys me.

Had to rant about that.

Also I was thinking about how people always tell girls to look at the way their potential mate treats his mom because that is how you will be treated. H always lied to his mom, said bad things about his mom, resented his mom, etc. Now she is a very critical, hard to please woman, but funny how I am not that type of person, but he still treats me that way.

Good words of advice that girls should honestly follow.

Even if you see the red flags it's hard to end it. At least it was with me. There were red flags going off all over the place when we were engaged, but I thought I could work through/overcome anything.

That's a hard lesson.

There are always two personnas -- the public and private personna.

My STBXW really grew to resent my job because no one does what I do so I have a lot of job security and flexibility.

Now I haven't moved up the corporate ladder like she wanted. Instead, I adjusted things so that I could have max family time.

I thought it was good for us -- another hard lesson.

Anyway, if he's nice to his coworkers they are going to like him.

It's tough. You want him to be shunned and then it doesn't happen.

Rehab again? What exactly is he in rehab for?

Mother's Day was ok. I got a sweet gift from S that was made at daycare. My sister gave me a card. One of the kids at church made a card for all the moms, so sweet. Then I got a little gift from my in-laws. I got texts from all kinds of people all morning and the last one at 2:30 was H. He said happy mother's day with a kiss face and asked if his mom said anything about going to her house for dinner, more on that to come.

I went to my mom's after church because she got home early, but we didn't stay long because my step-dad was feeling sick. Then we went to my in-laws because I called this morning to ask them if S and I could stop by since I haven't heard from H since Friday night. Of course, H sent the text at 2:30 after most of the day was done, so I was done and didn't respond. At his parent's, H is not there of course, and calls his mom to say happy mother's day. She then says "are you coming over?" You don't say that unless the person does not live at the house. It was nice at the in-laws. They like me now. Then when I was leaving FIL said happy mother's day with a little knot in his throat like he was going to cry. Very odd, and I am wondering if they know something I don't know. I just really think something is up and feel it in the air.

I didn't get anything from H as I expected, but it is the first holiday we have spent apart, and it is completely shady that he got me nothing. Oh well, I know he is lying more, and it is obvious he is still completely selfish. I don't think i am even going to ask him again. Right now I am just going to file and be done with it.