Letters from Camp Koh Tarutao – When Martha Stewart Meets Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom

Dear Mrs. Devinney,

I am sad to report that your son, Brian, is still in the infirmary. The case of the Huhs has passed but now he's caught the Homer Simpson D'ohs – an incredibly painful condition that can only be treated through medication, Yoko Ono albums, and a reminder of the fashion sense of the 1980s as seen through back episodes of Dynasty and The Facts of Life. I assure you that he is in more than capable hands, however, it may be best if I explain what happened.

The key people, from what we have been able to gather, are Helen and Jake. According to some campers, Helen has a knack for turning ever meal into a Martha Stewart recipe exchange. Your son was apparently arguing that you can only cook the same meal a certain number of times before having to resort to previous concoctions. Helen's use of the local flora to accent her dishes wasn't much of a distraction and her plans to turn this experience into a cookbook to be sold on Amazon.com brought forth many, shall we say, heated comments from your son, including Helen eventually turning to insider trading and using her Congressional subpoenas as placemats at her Thanksgiving dinner.

In terms of Jake, our eyewitnesses have reported him regaling Brian with his adventures involving hunting deer, parachuting, and thwarting the advances of Anna Nicole Smith by saying he wasn't rich enough or old enough for her. Being the observant person that your son is, he immediately knew that Jake was trying to butter up the older members of the former Chuay Gahn tribe in order to fit in better. However, as your son pointed out, it wasn't working as well as Jake would have hoped. The fact that neither Jake nor Helen realized that their actions were annoying not only your son, but the rest of the tribe as well, brought on the first symptoms of the Homer Simpson D'ohs – the desire to scream "Woo hoo!" along with a craving for doughnuts. We were immediately concerned.

The second symptom was seen at the time of the reward challenge, during Brian's (that being Porno Brian the camper, not your son) video. Now, we here in the infirmary (as well as your son) are aware of Porno Brian’s prior occupation as an actor of the epidermal epics. However, what caught your son's attention and caused so much confusion was that he couldn't tell whether or not the piano and the Cadillacs came from his wages as a used car salesman or as the film star that we have come to know and love. This evoked the second symptom associated with the Homer Simpson D'ohs and only seen when moments of sheer stupidity rear their ugly head. Brian, your son, began to bang his head against a tree while singing a medley from "Kickin' It: A Musical Journey Through the Betty Ford Clinic." Had he broken out into some of the choreography, we would have been even more concerned, but as he was just banging his head into a tree, we felt that this was just a minor symptom.

Sadly, we were wrong.

From reports we received from Camp Counselor Probst, Ted opted to go out on his own on the boat, which appeared to be an effort to isolate himself from the tribe. This bothered your son greatly as he knows that the first skill that must be acquired in this environment is the ability to get along with each other, especially when times are tough. However, according to C.C. Probst, this left Ted's alliance open for the grabbing as Clay jumped in to make a deal with Brian while the members of the Sook Jai faction were simultaneously wooing Clay into joining up with them. According to your son, in one of his more lucid moments, it temporarily made Clay the epicenter of power within the newly formed Chuay Jai tribe, which made no sense to him. What could have been another onslaught of the Huhs was quickly overtaken by the Homer Simpson D'ohs. Your son said that there was no way that Clay would break from the Chuay Gahn ranks at this time and for the Sook Jais to believe otherwise meant they were (and this is his own phraseology, not my own) "as dumb as we all think they are."

The final straw came in what should have been an easy win for Ken in the immunity challenge. However, his inability to match up Thai symbols and properly walk the right distance was more than your son could handle. While Clay scampered from location to location, quickly gathering the necessary pieces to claim victory, Ken seemed puzzled by the swirls and never seemed to be fully into the competition.

Clay's victory was more than your son could take. This, of course, is entirely understandable as in a side-by-side comparison of Clay and Ken, it would appear that the police officer would have the greater advantage in winning not only this immunity challenge, but pretty much any other immunity challenge brought his way. The sheer physicality of Ken as compared to that of Clay did not outweigh the mental power and prowess of Clay. We later learned that back at camp, Clay appeared to be gloating over his victory, which did not go over well with the other campers and, from what we can establish from your son's writings, Clay's future as well. It seems your son considered this to be an egregious misstep of logic on Clay’s behalf.

Ultimately this all led up to your son's brain, in lay terms, being overloaded and leaving him lying on the ground mumbling about the illegal use of glow sticks, sixty four slices of American cheese, a gentleman named Barney in a g-string singing the theme to I Dream of Jeanie, and gay steel mill workers. Yes, the final stages of the Homer Simpson D'ohs had taken over his body.

Currently, all your son can say at this time is "D'oh," but as he can do it in a wide range of emotions, we feel that we can effectively communicate with him and give him the treatment he needs in order to return as a productive counselor here at Camp Koh Tarutao.

Sincerely,

Dr. Beverly Beaverstock

C. Brian Devinney is a human resources consultant from New York City. When not reporting on reality TV, he can be found rooting on his beloved Yankees, writing in his online diary, Tales From the City, or designing new items for his online store BlogGear.com. He can be reached at TheRealityFactor@aol.com.

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