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Mother Lode: Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver Paperback – October 18, 2022

by Gretchen Staebler (Author)
4.8 4.8 out of 5 stars 147 ratings
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“. . . makes you feel as though a kindred soul is speaking to you.” —Readers’ Favorite

At the age of sixty, Gretchen Staebler promises to spend one year in her childhood home caring for her stubbornly independent ninety-six-year-old mother—sort of a middle-aged gap year. Then her mother will move to assisted living and she will return to her own independent life.

It doesn’t go as planned.

Rather than a retrospective, this mother-daughter story unfolds in real time with gripping honesty, bringing the reader along with the narrator through the struggle, doubts, and complexities of caregiving and daughterhood—and the beacons of light.

Penetrating the fog of her mother’s advancing dementia and myriad health issues with humor, frustration, and compassion—and wine—Staebler slowly comes to accept and respect the mother she got, if not the one she wished for. In the process, she manifests non-negotiable self-care and learns more than she wants to know about aging, cognitive loss, and the healthcare system.

Any reader who is looking for a road map in caring for a family member, has ever had a mother, or is looking aging in the eye will find company on the journey in this candid, multi-award-winning memoir. 
Previous page
  1. Print length
    384 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    She Writes Press
  4. Publication date
    October 18, 2022
  5. Dimensions
    5.75 x 1.25 x 8.75 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1647422833
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1647422837
  8. See all details
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From the Publisher

Photo of author. Seattle Book Review endorsement 4.5 Stars

Katie Hafner: Beautifully rendered memoir about the always complicated mother-daughter bond

Christina Baldwin: Told with wit, wisdom & compassion. Will intrigue, delight & open your heart

Kirkus Reviews: Debut memoir that addresses issues of life & death in a direct & hopeful way

Editorial Reviews

Review

2023 PNWA Nancy Pearl Book Awards Finalist in Best Book: Memoir
2023 National Indie Excellence Awards Winner in Caregiving
2023 IPPY Awards Gold Medalist Winner in Aging/Death & Dying
2023 Next Generation Indie Book Awards Finalist in Relationships (Non-Fiction)
2023 Firebird Book Awards 1st Place Winner in Caregiving
2022 Sarton Awards Finalist in Memoir
2022 Living Now Book Awards Silver Medalist in Mature Living/Caregiving

“A debut memoir of caregiving that addresses issues of life and death in a direct and hopeful way. . . . The author is candid about the struggles of caregiving, which readers who have experienced similar situations will find refreshing . . .”
—Kirkus Reviews

“[Staebler] writes with humor and pathos . . . Mother Lode is a raw and insightful chronicle of life as a (reluctant) caregiver. . . .but it is ultimately an example of the triumph of love and resilience.”
—Seattle Book Review, 4.5 stars

“. . . I found Gretchen’s frustrations with the healthcare system and with the reluctant patient highly resonant, and she writes with an empathetic but direct narrative style that makes you feel as though a kindred soul is speaking to you. There are many difficult moments where trauma is worked through, but the overall feel of the read is one of strength, acceptance, and love, for yourself as much as for those that you care for.”
—Readers' Favorite, 5-star review

“. . . an excellent read for professionals, and for anyone else open to walking with a strong, brave, humorous daughter who stayed until the end. The story radiates the funny, sad, kind, compassionate, frustrating, intelligent, strong, stubborn aspects of good people with hard challenges.”
—Story Circle Book Reviews

“Mother Lode redefines ‘coming of age’ in the drama of an independent daughter who moves back to the family home to care for her elderly mother. The story unfolds page by page, week by month, as Gretchen takes us artfully into her relationship with her mother, her sisters, and a house packed with memories. Specific in detail, universal in appeal, told with wit, wisdom, and compassion; if you ever had a mother . . . if you ever had a family . . . if you’ve ever wondered if you could go home again . . . Mother Lode will intrigue, delight, and open your heart.”
—Christina Baldwin, author of Storycatcher, Life’s Companion, and The Circle Way

“We come to the support of our aging parents sometimes open-heartedly, sometimes reluctantly. Occasionally, though, we are able to see the strength and love in the contrary parent, knowing our own strength has come from just such a source. The author travels a contradictory journey with her mother toward an end that surprises even her.”
—Catherine Fransson, author of Loving the Enemy: When the Favorite Parent Dies First

“With compelling storytelling and great wit, Gretchen Staebler’s Mother Lode illuminates the valiant lives of the mostly forgotten and the nearly invisible: our elders and their caretakers.”
—Theo Pauline Nestor, author of A Writer’s Story of Finding Her Voice (and a Guide to How You Can Too)

“Staebler’s eye for just the right detail in just the right place is on full display throughout this beautifully rendered memoir about the infinitely puzzling and always complicated mother-daughter bond.”
—Katie Hafner, author of Mother Daughter Me and host of Our Mothers Ourselves podcast

“Gretchen Staebler has beautifully intertwined two love stories: her pure passion for the Pacific Northwest, and her complicated ties to her elderly and often exasperating mother. Staebler offers a remarkably candid and clear-eyed story of caretaking—depicting the frustration and power struggles as well as the break-through moments of joy and forgiveness. A compelling story from beginning to end.”
—Mary Lambeth Moore, author of Sleeping with Patty Hearst

“Kudos to Gretchen Staebler for one of the better caregiving memoirs I've read.”
—Paula Span, columnist of “The New Old Age” at the New York Times

About the Author

Gretchen Staebler is a wandering adventurer who left decades of grown-up life on the East Coast at age sixty to return to the mountains, beaches, and rain of her soul’s home in the Pacific Northwest. She blogs about her adventures from coffee shops, her father’s desk, national park lodges, her tent—wherever she feels cozy. She lives with her cat in Centralia, Washington (the real one).

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ She Writes Press (October 18, 2022)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 384 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1647422833
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1647422837
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 1.1 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.75 x 1.25 x 8.75 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.8 4.8 out of 5 stars 147 ratings

About the author

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Gretchen Staebler

Gretchen Staebler

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Award-winning author Gretchen Staebler is a wandering adventurer who left decades of grown-up life in the Southeast at age 60 to return to the mountains, beaches, and rain of her soul’s home in the Pacific Northwest. She blogs about her adventures from coffee shops, her father’s desk, national park lodges, her tent—wherever she feels cozy. She writes to learn who she is in the world and within herself and shares it with readers who may find themselves in places they never expected to be. She lives with her cat in Washington, the real one. Find book news (including deleted scenes) and resources for family caregivers at www.gretchenstaebler.com.

Customer reviews

4.8 out of 5 stars
4.8 out of 5
147 global ratings
Both cautionary tale and love story. I loved this book!
5 Stars
Both cautionary tale and love story. I loved this book!
When it comes to caregiving, we are all likely to find ourselves on this path at some time or another in our lives. Whether it is illness or age that sets this partnership into motion, it feels almost inevitable that it will somehow touch the lives of most all of us. Mother Lode is one woman's story. Gretchen Staebler has thrown open the door as she takes us on an often-tumultuous ride as primary caregiver to her nonagenarian mother. Both cautionary tale and love story, she deftly delivers a narrative that had me laughing out loud one minute and sobbing the next. I love this book most for its honesty. For her honesty. I've read other accounts of the delicate relationship between mother and daughter, and while everyone will have a unique experience, this story slips below the surface to expose some awkward and uncomfortable truths that are often at the root of it. If you have been down this path, are navigating it now or see it in the not-so-distant future, I believe you will marvel at the brilliant way she tells the story of that tenuous bond of love and frustration. Caregiving isn't for the faint of heart. I found myself on these pages which made it personal, and the stunning writing made it hard to put down. Masterfully weaving together feelings and events with memory and dream made this a five-star read.
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Top reviews from the United States

Mary Jo Doig
5.0 out of 5 stars The funny, sad, kind, frustrated, intelligent, and more, aspects of good people with hard challenges
Reviewed in the United States on December 15, 2022
Verified Purchase
Mother Lode is a book for mothers and daughters, spouses, family members caring for other family members, as well as past, present, and future care providers. It is also an excellent read for professionals and anyone else open to walking and learning with a strong, brave, very human daughter who completed a long walk home with her mother.

For me, who loved the book from start to finish, there was only one thing to dislike about Mother Lode. It is a tragic fact of our society that Staebler brings so vividly to our attention: that the caretakers of our world are so invisible and taken for granted. Also, we, as individuals, have woefully little to no insight into the challenges of both the cared-for person and the care-giving person. My hope is that by bringing this story into the light, Mother Lode will bring impetus to help and strengthen this huge need in our country.

As I journeyed through the months, seasons, and years with Staebler as caregiver for her mother with cognitive decline, vision loss, and many other ailments, I found a wealth of wisdom. The story is so human, radiating the funny, sad, kind, compassionate, frustrating, intelligent, strong, stubborn aspects of good people with hard challenges. I hope you will love this beautifully, carefully crafted story by an exceptional writer as much as I did.

~ Mary Jo Doig, author of Patchwork, A Memoir of Love and Loss
5 people found this helpful
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Francine Falk-Allen
5.0 out of 5 stars Caregiving for a family member with dementia
Reviewed in the United States on January 24, 2023
Verified Purchase
Oh my goodness. Ms. Staebler details her dedicated and long live-in caregiver experience with her mother, who was in her mid-to-late 90's when Staebler's commitment to this work began.

First of all, it's a riveting account and the writing is perfect and beautiful. It is not easy to write in the present tense throughout an entire book, and it worked in this memoir. Additionally, there are lovely passages about the natural world of the Northwest, where Staebler grew up and lives in the family home where she cared for her mother. Staebler is a nature girl, and I loved this aspect.

In the first few chapters, I became so frustrated with Staebler's mama. her mother's insistence on things that were and were not said, and were and were not done, which was often outside reality, and then when real would change when repeated to someone else... or not... well, it was maddening. The sense of damned if one does and damned if one doesn't was palpable.

And then... I began seeing myself in Mama. Not because I have dementia or am on the verge of it, but because I know myself to be so attached to my routines and methods. After all, they make my life regular and predictable; I can find the grater if it's kept in the same place always. But I have so many boxes in the garage that I need to go through and get rid of, so that I will not put the brakes on the person who eventually asks me, "Can't we get rid of this?" if I lose my grip on whether or not these objects are important, useful, significant. The older we are, the harder it is to think clearly about the value of things, both objects and whether it's really important to be insistent upon our methods, concepts or preferences.

My mother had stuff that seemed insane when she died. A large instant coffee jar full of the mini brown paper pleated cups from years of See's candies. (I know what she was thinking: If I make candy, I can use these to give them away in a box at Christmas. But she had not made candy for probably 30 years.) Newspapers stacked three feet high. (I don't know why she was keeping these other than she just got in the habit of keeping them.) I don't want to leave someone with this kind of mess.

The story gets just a little repetitious at times. And this is because life became repetitious, and this works well in the story to bring home the things Staebler had to deal with, over and over.

And yet there is evolution. A relationship that had been prickly, as mother/daughter relationships can be (mine was), and disappointing, in that the friendship and resolution one hopes for may not be attained (I felt like this with my mom when she was in her 80's; she was never really going to approve of me or my life choices)... this relationship still does evolve and eventually, well, you'll see when you read it.

I found myself eventually not frustrated but quite deeply moved.

Regardless of whether you are a caregiver or think you may need to be one at some point, this is a very important work in order to understand what caregiving of the truly aged really is. Now, most people do not live as long as Mama did. But many people even in their 80's do have dementia to some degree, and, people are living longer.

Besides all that, this is just a good read. Highly recommend.
6 people found this helpful
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Heartsleeve
5.0 out of 5 stars A Road Map for a Journey we will each travel, maybe in many directions!
Reviewed in the United States on December 3, 2022
Verified Purchase
Mother Lode: Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver

As I began reading this memoir of a woman basically my age, who embarked on an emotional and physical and very personal expedition back to her PAC/NW childhood home to care for her 96 year old mother who is suffering from dementia, I didn’t know what to expect. My Mother had slipped away in 1999 from chronic heart problems and COPD before my sisters and brother and I even realized how much of a struggle was each breath she drew. Could I relate?



Having been a writer for the government before I retired, I was initially drawn to MOTHER LODE for the ‘memoir’ aspect of it. The writing was crisp and insightful and personal and filled to the brim with personal vignettes and asides - oh, the asides!

But only as I delved deeper and deeper, did I realize how I had breezed right past the heart and soul of this very personal and yet “everywoman” journey: it really is a confession, in a soul-searching, second-guessing, gut-wrenching way that renders anyone who loses a beloved parent helpless and racked with myriad conflicting emotions. Guilt and remorse and woulda-coulda-shoulda, yes, every person who has lost a parent can relate to that rollercoaster of emotion.

The fact that the author wrote this in real time, as she was living it, gives the story an immediacy that is palpable, as if you are getting ‘dispatches from the frontlines’ in a heart-rending tug-of-war between Mother and Daughter.

I think everyone who reads this will take something personal and meaningful from it; caregiving is a many sided coin that eventually will end up in each of our pockets, either as a debt to be paid or a gift to be given, or in time, BOTH.

Mother Lode: Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver is a book of our time, written with love and heart.
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Top reviews from other countries

Christopher prost
5.0 out of 5 stars not your typical caregiver journal~
Reviewed in Canada on March 16, 2023
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This book is very well written, and you care about those Gretchen writes about - but I was somewhat bothered by the relationship between this daughter and mother - it wasn't close or at times even very loving - that is what makes this book unique - two people doing what is very hard because it is the right thing to do - and persisting until the end, to make it bearable for all. A very worth-while read! and I must say I felt differently about both mother and daughter by the end of the book, than I did at the beginning!
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Julia
4.0 out of 5 stars A moving tale told with gripping honesty
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 8, 2023
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This is a beautifully written and honest account of the paradoxes of caring for an elderly mother - the love mixed with exasperation, the pure intent shadowed with fatigue and dread. I was held right to the end, leaning in to the what next even though I knew the what next. How did she manage to write so well about a process that could have sounded repetitive (since the tasks were often repetitive) but never did? I can imagine this book being a great comfort to others in a similar position who don't want to sugar coat the experience of caring but also understand the depths of love.
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