Girls Night In

Last night was a blast, and something I TOTALLY needed. Since getting married and continent hopping I haven't had much time to spend with my girls and re-unite. Jo and Amy had their "Passion Party" last night and I went. I had never been to one, but I really enjoyed it. Although I was tempted to buy one of everything that I saw, I was able to resist. It felt so good to talk to my BFF's (we are a group of 4) about everything thats going on. They were super supportive and were even able to make fun of me lactating. (After quite a few drinks:) I am not sure if Simon has been in a pissy mood because of something thats going on there or if he was truly afraid that he was going to be replaced by a piece of plastic (BOB), but his attitude (esp last night) sucked!! I am sooo sick of this! I am going through a lot of shit here, medically, finacially, emotionally, etc... and he has got this sucky attitude and its driving me nuts. I didn't talk to him all day yesterday, so at 10:30 pm I decided to call when it was ordering time at the party. I thought this would be a good chance where I could buy some things to try out for the next time we see each other. He put my sister in law on the phone. RAWRRR. So I went back to drinking and I am just leaving him be. I am also making a decision without him because right now I am not so much caring.Jess (My BFF) who has 2 kids asked me if I would want to move in. I am seriously considering it. She is now a single mom after her husband decided to leave her and the kids and hop the border. Lovely. Anyways, she has been my closest friend for almost 9 years and she has offered me (rent free) to come live with her and have my own upstairs to myself.She has a beautiful 4 bed, 2 bath house in the country. I think this would be good for me now since money is tight, I need friends and support, I am not sure when Simon is getting here and it will help us to save some money for when he does get here. Her and I still need to discuss more, but I am seriously thinking about it. Tomorrow I am going to start writing letters to my Senator/ Congressman about Simon's case. From all the research I have done, not only do you have to have medical proof that your case should be expedited, but you should also have government support. I hope all this goes through. I have also decided that if we don't get any answers from this then I will go back to Jamaica in March for a few weeks. This distance is definitely putting a strain on our reltaionship and bottom line: I need to see my husband. I am sick of being strong by myself. Ok, enough of the rant. I am not sure if this is the Provera or what but I am just feeling emotional, tired and blah. Hope it gets better. I NEED something positive!

I am so not forgiving Amy for this one last night! (::puke::SO not my friend!)

I <3 Dr. Brumsted

What a day! I will start out by saying I was such a nervous wreck that I woke up at 3 am and paced. I was going to see my NP for test results at 10:45 and was terribly nervous. I went there thinking that something was going to show up in my b/w. I AM lactating, for Christ's sake! Anyways, to my dismay all b/w came back totally clear. Now I am not sure at this point its because of stress, the unknown or lack of sleep but I started to bawl. Uncontrollably. Simon called to see what the verdict was and I cried in his ear the whole 45 minutes I drove to the RE. I feel bad about it now, but honestly I was scared. I figured if it wasn't hormonal then WTF IS going on with me?Simon assured me that I needed to calm down and everything is in God's hands. He was talking to me about the chance of being infertile and how we would make it through this somehow. It is times like these when I tumble to the ground and he is there to catch me that I fall so in love with him all over again.

So I make it to FAHC, where my RE is. I am shaking and peeing every 10 minutes from nerves. They were running late, of course so I waited and read every 6 month old magazine in the waiting room. I was so afraid of what could be said. I was afraid they would look at the b/w, look at me and turn me away at the door and just tell me to lose weight. That was SO not the case. The nurse came in, took history, stats, etc and was super nice and sensitive. Then came in the doc. Now I was super nervous enough about him being a male.... but the second he walked in the room there something comforting. ANYWAYS.... to get to the chase, he said he was really hopeful about this. He said that I had/have had normal periods in the past and I should have been ovulating. Since none of my hormones are out of wack, he said he wanted to pretty much rule out PCOS and any other disease/disorder. He wants to get base line testing out of the way which means DH gets SA and I get a HSG... and holy f*ing shit that scares me. Because I have had "issues" in the past he said having a blocked fallopian tube could be a possibility. So, he has prescribed Provera to start my period (which I have never taken) and I will schedule the HSG test as soon as AF arrives. He also has given me an antibiotic to take after the test due to I am at high risk for infection (oh boy!) He said he is optimistic that I am young and healthy and hoping I would be KTFU before the year is over...yay! So for now things seem to be on the right track. He also threw out Clomid and some other possibilites to help after he gets tests results. Simon and I are feeling really good about what he had to say and are keeping our fingers crossed. I will definitely keep everyone updated.

My Most awesomest RE:

Dr. John Brumsted

Obstetrician/Gynecologist; Subspecialist in Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility; Interim Chief Quality OfficerProfessor, OB/GYNDivision of Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility

Fletcher Allen Healthcare

Burlington, VT

Not SO Bad

Today I went in for my u/s and mammogram. I was a bundle of nerves. DH never called before my appointment which had me peeved. They did the u/s first which was more akward than anything because they had a male tech do it... whatever. The u/s came out clear so they didn't have my do the mammo. I guess this is good news considering I knew there was nothing wrong bith my breasts... they just make uneeded milk. DH called when I got out of my appointment and he said he had totally forgot. I laid on the guilt trip and he apologized and asked me to forgive him. I had to. He then asked about everything that went on, what is going to happen tomorrow and how I am feeling/ what my thoughts are about whats happening with my body. Today I have been feeling odd though. I think the stress is finally getting to me. I feel soooo hungry, but when I eat I want to puke. I am still peeing non-stop and really tired. I am not sleeping at night, I was up at 4:30 this morning. I hate this.
On a better note: yesterday I called USCIS (immigration) and put in a request to expedite Simon's visa case to get him here sooner. I was able to do this because of all this medical crap I am going through. I hope they accept it. If they don't, I think I will go to my senators and see what they can do. I have been researching about how long this process takes or what it entails but have found nothing. Ughh. Also, I heard back from the lady about the apartment I looked at last week. It is small, but clean and cute.Totally do-able for now. She did call my references and I am hoping I get it. I am super nervous about my RE appointment tomorrow. Its just the unkowns. I can't wait to go there and start a relationship with my doctor. I will definitely update everyone on how it goes!

Down The Road of "Unexpected's"

So Simon and I had a long talk about all of this last night and he still just isn't able to grip it. I don't know if he doesn't want to or cares, or he just doesn't know how, but he hasn't said ANYTHING. To me this is more hurtful than him just telling me he doesn't know what to say, even though I told him what I need to hear. I made my appointments this morning. I will have my mammo and u/s Thursday morning at 10am and I see Dr. Brumstead (RE) on Friday at 2:30pm. I am super nervous and a little upset that I will be doing this on my own, but optimistic that I will finally get some answers. I don't know what to do about this... do I just NOT tell Simon whats going on? His attitude is just so shitty and I think it upsets me all the more. I may just back down and wait for him to ask me whats going on. As far as charting, I have pretty much given up on ever O'ing or having any sort of pattern; yet I will continue to chart for TTC and RE's sake. I am having a super big craving for KFC... mac & cheese and crispy chicken so I must shower, pick up my girls and go indulge. Good Lord.....good thing a black man appreciates a fat ass... cause mine is definitely getting bigger after today!

Really Rough Results

SO I just came from my doctor, my PCP... and well... bad news. My intuition has been telling me this for a year, but here it is. Three major things she pinpointed: 1.) I am lactating, or for a medical term I have "Galactorrhea". She did a breast exam and couldn't feel much, but she did see the milk coming out. She is worried because my mom had breast cancer at 39 so she ordered an u/s and mammogram. Holy Shit, my first mammo at 24? Are you fucking kidding me! 2.) I can't make babies, which is obvious. Because of the first thing I mentioned she took blood to check Prolactin levels and has referred me to an RE at the biggest, best hospital in VT. I will be hopping on the horn tomorrow first thing to get an apt with Dr. Johnson. She also noticed my chart was a hot mess although she thought its possible I could have ovualted? Not sure why she said that with NO clear thermal shift?3.) I have blood in my urine. I thought I had a UTI.. nope. She mentioned the last time I was there they did a urine dip and I had blood in it too. Jesus Christ. She has sent it out to be cultured and run some tests. Oye.

To make things ALL the better, my mom and I went out shopping for a bit today and she HAD to buy some things for the grandchild she does not have but so desperately wants. She even told Simon to "get her pregnant already." Wow. See pictures of things we got below. As for all this shit going on, I am turning to God for comfort and answers. I am hoping seeing the RE I will get a clear diagnosis or answer to make sense of this mess. As for now I must turn to the GP board for support along with my Junior Mints! :) God Bless.

because Simon's sister is hell bent that we will have a girl, and she would be our miracle:).......

its a "going home outfit"-love the hat!

deals from the Childrens Place...I like white & gray...

My childhood nickname was "bear". My sister still calls me Sar-Bear so this is appropriate.
A little hat we found at Old Navy, it has little mice and acorns on it... soo cute!

Sunday Morning Blues

I am really trying to stay positive, but WOW, its hard! It feels like eons since I am have seen Simon and this guessing game of when we will be re-untied is tearing me apart! I have been going through our wedding pics again and seeing some that that I didn't even know existed! I am will have to go get prints made this week. Still no O. Not happy about that. I called and made an appointment for 1/29 and hopefully will get the referral to see the RE then. I have been talking to some girls on the post and I have made my own diagnosis:PCOS. I have all the signs and symptoms. I pray to God that its not, but it has been mentioned by a doctor before. Its snowing here again and still frigidly cold. My apartment hunt has somewhat come to a hault since we are not sure if I will be going back to Jamaica or not. Part of me dreads the fact of going back there, but a huge part of me feels like I cannot breathe another second until I am next to my husband. Ughh this is harder than either of us imagined. I also don't want to be gone if I am going through this medical stuff, because the medical care there definitely isn't what it is here. I also must thank Nykki for designing this beautiful blog! I absolutely love it! I am also looking into taking a Phlebotemy course through UVM/FAHC that would pay very well and would secure a job for me for a year. More details about that to come. Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Happy Innauguration Day everybody! Here's to new begginnings:)

Walking up the steps.....

sneaking a kiss in.....whispering sweet nothings....

3 Days Of Hope

So maybe I don't hate my body afterall... maybe this won't be so bad? Yesterday morning I woke up and just had to POAS. I used FMU and got a negative. About 10:30 am I tried again and YAY! OPK+! I wasn't expecting much for today, when I temped it had gone down and thought this was going to be an anovulatory cycle. TCOYF says this can happen sometimes on the day you O. I tested again and an IMMEDIATE +! I swear the test line turned pink before the control line. I checked CM and holy EWCM! I had never seen it like this before. I can't believe DH isn't here for this cycle! I hope this will happen for every cycle. He is very excited and I am hopeful that it won't take us long to concieve. We are talking about trying for next cycle hardcore. We would like the baby to be here by November-December so my MIL can see the baby when she comes up for Christmas. Like that will happen. We would take the baby to Jamaica when it was 3-6 months, but her being here for the birth would be grand. I go to the doc's tomorrow. I KNOW I have a sinus infection and need some antibiotics. This is day #8. What a drag. I can't believe just knowing that my body is doing its job has lifted my spirits the past few days. Here's to more of these cycles!

Day #2 OPK+ 1/5/09

Day #3 OPK+ 1/6/09