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J. Matthew Nespoli
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Daddy Versus The Suck Monster Paperback – May 14, 2013

by J. Matthew Nespoli (Author)
4.8 out of 5 stars 14 ratings
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“Daddy Versus The Suck Monster” is the honest, humorous, and frequently irreverent portrayal of first-time fatherhood as told by J. Matthew Nespoli. From Kirkus Review: A guy’s guide to all that’s gross, humorous and surprising about fatherhood, from the perspective of a first-time dad. Nespoli (Broken, 2010) considers himself an average guy: impulsive, adventure-seeking, oversexed, distractible, and occasionally oblivious—especially when it comes to his spouse, whom he affectionately refers to as “The Bride.” When she announces that she’s pregnant, Nespoli suddenly stares down fatherhood, a role he thinks most men aren’t ever ready for. He navigates The Bride’s raging hormones, watches their bank account dwindle as they purchase useless baby items, and eventually meets his newborn son, Keller, whom he thinks looks like a lizard. A clueless Nespoli can’t help but wonder where the parenting guides are for men like him. Here he presents that very book, cultivated from his own hilarious and horrific experiences, including sleepless nights, diarrhea volcanoes and, most notably, the frustration of competing with his son for his wife’s affection and, specifically, her breasts. It eventually leads him to nickname Keller “The Suck Monster.” The book is full of dark humor, with no qualms about being blunt and crass about sex, marriage, and scatological matters. Yet the author’s absurdist knack for overstatement makes some of the most offensive jokes and juvenile gags forgivable and even endearing. Underneath the frivolity are a remarkable sincerity and the trustworthy, progressive voice of experience. He offers new dads legitimate tips and advice, as well as commiseration about mistakes, sacrifices and morbid thoughts. The author’s numerous digressions may divert readers’ attention from the book’s stronger moments; with a little more focus, this memoir could have been the male equivalent to “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” However, there’s plenty of laughs and frank, honest advice here to frighten, inform and entertain the average guy embracing fatherhood. An engaging, if occasionally uneven, memoir of being a new parent. Excerpt: After the nurses finished cleaning The Bride’s baby, they laid him on her bare chest. “Hi son,” she said, in a nurturing tone that I’d never heard before. Keller started suckling, pulling life from her breasts. I haven’t touched them since. While she held her baby, I watched as the doctor took a hook and string and began sewing my wife’s vagina back together. All I could think was, Yeah, that’s gonna be out of commission for a while. Sample of Chapter 1: I wouldn’t exactly call my son’s conception an accident. I mean, I didn’t trip and fall into The Bride’s vagina. However, it was a surprise. In fact, I was unaware we were even trying to make a person. Granted, The Bride had been making many more sexual advances than normal, but I attributed her newfound sexual assertiveness to the stellar hair days I was having as a result of a humidity-free, California winter. As it turns out, The Bride was much more interested in my DNA than my hair, and a few weeks into our torrid winter love affair, everything became illuminated. I was pouring myself an adult beverage when The Bride came out of the bathroom with blood lust in her eyes. As soon as I saw her, I knew I was in you’re sleeping at a hotel kind of trouble. “You suck at marriage!” she yelled. “I know, and I’m sorry,” I said. Those five words have served me well.
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  1. Print length
    252 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publication date
    May 14, 2013
  4. Dimensions
    6 x 0.57 x 9 inches
  5. ISBN-10
    1489533974
  6. ISBN-13
    978-1489533975
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The Amazon Book Review
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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

J. Matthew Nespoli is an author, businessman, and certifiably crazy person living in Southern California with his wife, "The Bride," and their son, Keller. "Daddy Versus The Suck Monster" is J. Matthew's second published book (Broken 2010).

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ May 14, 2013
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 252 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1489533974
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1489533975
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 12 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.57 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.8 out of 5 stars 14 ratings

About the author

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J. Matthew Nespoli

J. Matthew Nespoli

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J. Matthew Nespoli is an author/comedian/businessman/father/underoos-wearing-superhero out of Redondo Beach California. He's published a novel (Broken) and a memoir (Daddy Versus The Suck Monster), has sold a few screenplays, has a podcast on iTunes (My Big Black Fantasy Podcast), and a Facebook parenting page with 100K+ followers (facebook.com/watchhimdad). J. Matthew is presently doing stand-up in Los Angeles and working on his third book as it pertains to his experience of being 45+ and deciding to have a third baby.

Customer reviews

4.8 out of 5 stars
14 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book humorous and engagingly written, with one review noting how the author catches himself in comical situations throughout. Moreover, the narrative style receives positive feedback, with one customer describing it as the most down-to-earth accounts of parenting. Additionally, they appreciate its readability, with one mentioning it's educational for both parents and children.

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HumorReadabilityWriting styleNarrative style
8 customers mention "Humor"8 positive0 negative

Customers find the book humorous, with one mentioning how the character catches himself in comical situations throughout the story.

"...surprised ... his writing is engagingly humorous, even laugh out loud funny at times, insightful (from a guy's point of view), arrogant..." Read more

"...This book will make any mother laugh, cry and reminisce BUT is a must read for future dads too!!!!!..." Read more

"...stories that transpire are truly unique, expertly written, and downright hilarious. I would recommend this book...." Read more

"...leaves little if nothing to the imagination and catches himself in comical situations throughout...." Read more

6 customers mention "Readability"6 positive0 negative

Customers find the book to be a great read, with one mentioning it's worth reading for parents and another noting its educational value for both children and adults.

"...book will make any mother laugh, cry and reminisce BUT is a must read for future dads too!!!!!..." Read more

"...Both men and women would like this in my opinion. Educational for both." Read more

"...Worth the read for parents, parents-to-be, or anyone with a good sense of humor!!" Read more

"Hilarious! A great read." Read more

6 customers mention "Writing style"6 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the writing style of the book, finding it engagingly humorous and expertly crafted, with one customer noting its vivid detail.

"...It is a well-written and entertaining story that holds your interest and makes you want to keep reading to find out what hilarious predicament the..." Read more

"This novel is written by a first time father who clearly had very little, if any, experience with a baby before the birth of his son, Keller...." Read more

"...opinions, and the stories that transpire are truly unique, expertly written, and downright hilarious. I would recommend this book...." Read more

"...Daddy Versus The Suck Monster" by J. Matthew Nespoli is a REAL look into the mind of a free-spirited, 30's-something male facing the transition from..." Read more

5 customers mention "Narrative style"5 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the narrative style of the book, with one review noting its down-to-earth approach to parenting and another highlighting its unique and engaging stories.

"...It is a well-written and entertaining story that holds your interest and makes you want to keep reading to find out what hilarious predicament the..." Read more

"...It documents his ups and downs while learning to care for his son and adjusting to the inevitable changes in his relationship with his wife...." Read more

"...His perspectives, opinions, and the stories that transpire are truly unique, expertly written, and downright hilarious...." Read more

"A hilarious, irreverent, yet poignant (at times) portrayal of first time parenthood!..." Read more

Top reviews from the United States

  • Aaron B.
    5.0 out of 5 stars Daddy vs. The Suck Monster a "Must Read"
    Reviewed in the United States on August 30, 2013
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    Disclaimer: The author, J. Matthew (Matt) Nespoli, is a friend of mine. That being said, there are relatively few issues that we see eye-to-eye on (other than our undying love of the Pittsburgh Steelers), and have disagreed more often than not. Over the past several years, through various exchanges over FB, I have become familiar with Matt's writing style ... often humorous and sometimes insightful, but just as often arrogant (or even cocky), abrasive, disjointed, confusing, combative, illogical, and at times downright rude and sometimes offensive. So I thought I knew what to expect from this, his latest book. Actually, I only ended up reading it because I lost a bet on a meaningless pre-season NFL football game (as opposed to one of the really important pre-season games). However, I must humbly admit that I have been more than pleasantly surprised ... his writing is engagingly humorous, even laugh out loud funny at times, insightful (from a guy's point of view), arrogant (and even cocky) but also displaying a generous amount of self-deprecating humility and genuine affection. It is a well-written and entertaining story that holds your interest and makes you want to keep reading to find out what hilarious predicament the author is going to find himself in next. Of course, knowing Matt, he holds nothing back and every topic, no matter how intimate or off-limits to "polite society", is elaborated upon with the maximum amount of detail for dramatic and/or comedic effect. You will quickly discover that absolutely nothing is "off limits" to Matt's considerable powers of observation and wit, from the second sentence of Chapter One, where we are first introduced to his Bride's vagina. If you choose to keep reading and continue on beyond this point, you will not be disappointed ... but be prepared for learning more about the author, his lovely Bride, and their son (affectionately referred to as "The Suck Monster" in Chapter 3 "bOObs"), than you may even know, or be willing to admit, about yourself or your "significant other". I would recommend this book to anyone who enjoys a good laugh, as long as they are not overly squeamish. Just probably not my own mother ...
    2 people found this helpful
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  • Elisa
    5.0 out of 5 stars Evokes every possible emotion from reader
    Reviewed in the United States on September 11, 2013
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    This novel is written by a first time father who clearly had very little, if any, experience with a baby before the birth of his son, Keller. It documents his ups and downs while learning to care for his son and adjusting to the inevitable changes in his relationship with his wife. The writing is hilarious, honest and full of vivid detail but there were also moments that made me tear up.
    As a recent first time Mom, I could relate to what the author and his "bride" experienced. This book will make any mother laugh, cry and reminisce BUT is a must read for future dads too!!!!! Nespoli does a great job at offering solid and realistic advice. Unlike any other "what to expect" type of book out there and will keep you laughing and taking notes from start to finish!!!
    One person found this helpful
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  • 50 year old dad
    5.0 out of 5 stars Original and Hilarious
    Reviewed in the United States on August 2, 2013
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    This is a book written from a new father's perspective and experience. There is no other book out there like this to my knowledge. This book is absolutely hilarious. The author has a charming but blunt/honest approach to the subject matter. His perspectives, opinions, and the stories that transpire are truly unique, expertly written, and downright hilarious.
    I would recommend this book. You will cry laughing and learn more than a few things while you're at it. Both men and women would like this in my opinion. Educational for both.
    One person found this helpful
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  • Satisfied Customer
    5.0 out of 5 stars Facing Fatherhood with Fear, Humor and Brutal Honesty
    Reviewed in the United States on July 30, 2013
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    A MUST READ!

    "Daddy Versus The Suck Monster" by J. Matthew Nespoli is a REAL look into the mind of a free-spirited, 30's-something male facing the transition from adventurer to the new title of DAD. J. Nespoli kept me captivated page after page by writing exactly what he thinks in hilarious fashion. Nespoli leaves little if nothing to the imagination and catches himself in comical situations throughout. I highly recommend this book to anyone but it especially hits home if you are a parent. "Daddy Versus The Suck Monster" has sidesplitting stories parents relate to as we each muddled our way through the beginning...
    2 people found this helpful
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  • LMF
    5.0 out of 5 stars Loved it!!
    Reviewed in the United States on September 25, 2013
    Format: KindleVerified Purchase
    A hilarious, irreverent, yet poignant (at times) portrayal of first time parenthood! My husband and I are expecting our first and I enjoyed the preparation of what's to come infused with humor. Worth the read for parents, parents-to-be, or anyone with a good sense of humor!!
    One person found this helpful
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  • Stormy evening
    5.0 out of 5 stars This is a funny, sometimes hilarious read on the trials and tribulations ...
    Reviewed in the United States on July 5, 2014
    Format: KindleVerified Purchase
    This is a funny, sometimes hilarious read on the trials and tribulations of a first time dad. Being a woman it is interesting to see the male perspective and laugh yourself silly at the same time! I haven't laughed this hard reading a book in a very long time! Well done!
    One person found this helpful
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  • Kola Tubosun
    5.0 out of 5 stars great read!
    Reviewed in the United States on March 13, 2014
    Format: KindleVerified Purchase
    It is one of the funniest and most down-to-earth accounts of parenting out there. It's clearly the best (and only) I have read. I'll recommend it to all new parents, especially fathers. Two thumbs up.
    One person found this helpful
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  • Amazon Customer
    5.0 out of 5 stars A great read.
    Reviewed in the United States on December 1, 2015
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    Hilarious! A great read.
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Top reviews from other countries

  • Bhavna Yadav
    5.0 out of 5 stars She and her husband loved the book and told that they could totally relate ...
    Reviewed in India on March 4, 2016
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    This humorous book was a gift for my friend who had her first child. She and her husband loved the book and told that they could totally relate to the author's musings :)

    Giving all five stars as I received wonderful feedback about this gift.
    Report